


You were my favorite subject

by Haikygyuu



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: I think there's no fluff but it's still a tiny bit fluffy, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Very Very Light Angst, YJ and BG, beomjun - Freeform, im bad with tags pls forgive me, still in love Beomgyu, unsaid words finally making their way out, yeongyu - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:27:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27435043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haikygyuu/pseuds/Haikygyuu
Summary: Beomgyu hates these nights when his mind and heart are too tired to fight against the constant and vicious feelings, usually well hidden and buried inside the deepest part of himself, always eating him up little by little like a sweet candy you take your time to savor, perseveringly making their way to his soul, heart and thoughts.He hates the way he can't help but crave at the answer of all the what ifs and the things he could've done to make Yeonjun his, two years ago.But maybe, tonight, Beomgyu will change his mind.ORBeomgyu finally dares to text Yeonjun after two years of absence.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 6
Kudos: 44





	You were my favorite subject

It’s one of these nights again. 

When the world is falling silent, empty streets triumphing over the madness of this non-stop working machine constantly pounding and steaming, taking over people’s overheating minds, finally allowing them to cool off. Lights shutting down and taking a rest, leaving place to a cold and dark sky slowly and delicately settling down, wrapping itself around the town, bodies, hearts and thoughts. 

Beomgyu always apprehends these nights. These nights when his mind and heart are too tired to fight against the constant and vicious feelings, usually well hidden and buried inside the deepest part of himself, always eating him up little by little like a sweet candy you take your time to savor, perseveringly making their way to his soul, heart and thoughts. 

He always apprehends the changes that the night comes along with, the sky of the next day different than the last, the wind colder and harsher, hitting on his cheeks like a cut on his delicate skin, the trees showing off less leaves in the early morning than it did in the late afternoon. 

Beomgyu fears the way each night represents an in-between two sunrises to sunsets, when he’s ready to fight and take over the thoughts his mind constantly tries to bring all the way up to him, continually looking for the sight of a single crack in the shield of hurt he slowly built with time.

He fears the night because it corners him in the darkness after gently attracting him, sweetly seducing him with the charming and appealing sight of a starry sky or the thought of a rest under a warm blanket, heart at peace after a day of hurting inside his ribcage at the tormenting thought of all the what ifs or what he could’ve done to improve, what he could’ve done to never regret his life decisions. 

Beomgyu always gets tricked and bite the hook, stupidly letting his guard down for a split second until he feels it coming again. The regret. The worry. The remorse. The wonder. The missing. The sadness. The curiosity. And the hurt. 

It all comes up to his mind, making its way from the deepest part of his body to his heart, making him shiver in weakness from head to toes, his body curling up in anxiousness and vulnerability. 

Beomgyu fears the night because it’s the only opponent he knows he can’t win against. Because it’s the only thing that brings the weakest and toughest part of him out to the surface, when the only thing he wants is to let them drown. 

Tonight again, as he lays on his bed, music pounding against his eardrums, eyes shut and heart empty, he makes himself go through some hurt and pain as he lets his mind wander around the thought of him. And tonight again, he wishes he could have; at least, been someone to him. 

His head fuzzes in questions and wonders; where he is, how he’s doing, how are his studies going, if he’s in a relationship. Is he still talking to the same friends ? What kind of person did he become ? Did he grow taller ? Does he think of me ? Does he miss me ? Is he regretting his decision ? 

He lets his consciousness focus on him only, making a blur out of everything else in his way of sight, his thoughts slowly dancing along the pounding of his heart, the miss and the doubts. 

It’s been two years since Beomgyu and Yeonjun broke apart, the older running the farthest away possible from Beomgyu’s feelings, cowardly leaving him behind and taking, stealing, kidnapping his heart along the way with him. And he never gave it back. 

Tonight again, he still owns it. 

As cliché as it can sound, they were nothing more than two inseparables best-friends, attracted to each other in so many different ways, with a tiny bit of one sided and unrequited love to make things a bit more spicy and exciting. They were nothing more than two lost souls looking for another one to be with, to complete the holes in their facades.

Now that the night allows himself to let his feelings take the lead over his reasoning, he cannot help but get surprised at how; during that short period of friendship of theirs, Yeonjun gave Beomgyu the very happiest year of his life. It was short and intense, quick and happy. 

Everything happened in a second; like a reliving breath of air after years of apnoea.

It was also sad sometimes, Beomgyu’s heart suddenly pounding in so many different and foreing languages as the days passed by next to each other, the youngest incapable of restraining and stopping the unfamiliar feelings that were growing inside his ribcage to grow. One year had been more than enough for Beomgyu to put his trust and soul between Yeonjun’s hands, naive enough to give him his everything, even his heart. 

Tonight, Beomgyu thinks he should’ve been more careful and guarded, he thinks he should've fought these feelings as soon as they took birth inside of him. He doesn’t blame himself though, because when a seed starts to grow, you can’t help but be curious of what kind of flower will bloom at the end of the process. Yeonjun did the same with his feelings, watering them, feeding them with sunlight, music and attention. 

No, Beomgyu doesn’t blame himself, gripping his shirt tightly against his chest as he remembers how easy Yeonjun was to fall in love with. 

From the way his dark and unafraid eyes always lingered on him, his gaze piercing thought his soul; or the way his bright smile and the beautiful song his laugh created made his heart warmer and his cheeks burning up in the cold winter in the span of a second

From the way he was so easy to be with, annoying enough to make his way to Beomgyu’s heart just by calling him a shortie, a stupid ass or making him blush by saying he looked pretty out of nowhere. 

Yeonjun felt like the evidence, the solution of a problem you’ve been stuck on for ages. 

Definitely, falling in love with him felt right. 

Beomgyu fears the night. Because as his heart is about to explode in his chest, tears lazily falling down the small stream on his cheek, he finds himself weak. He finds himself wishing for a time machine to go back, and change the way his feelings took over his reasoning two years ago. He wishes he could fix things before the downfall. 

Beomgyu hates the dark, because his phone screen never illuminates in the middle of the night at the sign of a text he keeps on hopelessly waiting for, stupidly thinking that maybe on a lonely night, he’ll reach out to him and maybe, give his heart back in the process. 

He hates tonight’s dark sky even more as his guard completely disappears and his shield breaks down, his vulnerability winning over him while he grabs his phone on an impulse, scrolling down his contacts to press Yeonjun’s name with his shaky thumb. His heart pounding louder in his ears than the sound of the music playing in his earphones, like an old rock song when he presses the  **_send_ ** button. 

**_Bomu :_ ** _ Hey. _

And when his phone vibrates in his sweaty hand almost instantly after he sends it and his phone shines brightly in the darkness of the room; his heart skips a beat. Beomgyu’s body freezes, a shiver starting to run down all the way to his spine. 

**_YJ_ ** _ : It’s been a while, BG. _

Beomgyu can’t help but wonder, as he reads his reply, if maybe Yonjun too, feels like a lost soul on this lonely night. 

**_Bomu_ ** _ : two years, exactly. _

**_YJ_ ** _ : Crazy how time goes by so fast right ?  _

No. No it doesn’t. Not when, every night of everyday, Beomgyu carries out a battle with his heart and tears, trying his very best not to lose over his emotions, bottling up as much as he can everything inside his heart and locking it down while throwing the key around. Not when during these seven hundred and thirty nights, he thought about what they were and what they could’ve been during these two years of silence and distance.

These two years of nothing. 

Beomgyu tightens his hold against his phone, taking in a deep breath to relax his squeezed heart when he looks at the three little dots moving at the bottom of the chat, indicating that the older was typing some more after Beomgyu’s silence. 

**_YJ_ ** _ : How have you been doing ?  _

Beomgyu feels the urge to throw at his face how he’s been fighting with his own feelings so much that he lost himself in the process, incapable of defining who he is today and terrified to deal with his own emotions; living in the fear of drowning in his feelings everyday, terrified at the idea of the sun setting at the end of the day. 

How he’s been dealing with trust issues for two years and how he’s been so mad at himself that he escaped a severe depression. He also wants to shout at him how despite all that, he slowly came to forgive him and how he finds himself missing him way more than what he wants to. How after he felt like drowning, he slowly pushed, giving all the strength he had left in him before finally reaching the surface, and how after all these years, he still feels the need to apologize for liking him. 

**_Bomu_ ** _ : great I guess ? What about you ?  _

But obviously, Beomgyu’s only capable of typing that short and stupid answer as he feels his heart pounding faster in his chest, quicker, and quicker until it becomes painful, like a constant punch in your already opened wound.

**_YJ_ ** _ : I always wondered where your heart brought you to ? And I’ve been doing great ! I’ve been working with a producer for about seven months now, and i’m really enjoying it.  _

Beomgyu shuts his eyes and presses his fingers against his eyelids, rubbing it and massaging it, hating the way the heat rises to his cheeks as he reads that sentence over and over again.  _ “I’ve always wondered where your heart brought you to ?”,  _ his poor heart jumping at the thought of himself suddenly popping in Yeonjun’s mind from times to times. 

**_Bomu_ ** _ : far from home for sure. And that’s great news, congrats !!! _

**_YJ_ ** _ : did you finally go abroad ? You used to be always be so annoying about it T-T _

Beomgyu hates the way he giggles at that, remembering how obsessed he was at the thought of travelling abroad, and how even two years ago, he felt the need and the urge to escape Seoul. How he felt prisoner of his own feelings there. Yeonjun used to always tease him about keeping his dreams for night time, ruffling his hair and telling him that yeah, these beautiful eyes of him would definitely see Europe one day. He truly does. 

**_Bomu_ ** _ : I guess I made it. Hard to believe ha !  _

**_YJ_ ** _ : not really, you’ve always been so passionate in what you like, it’s kind of fascinating. _

**_Bomu_ ** _ : fascinating ?  _

**_YJ_ ** _ : the way you lose yourself entirely in what you like. I’ve always sincerely admired that about you.  _

Beomgyu doesn’t reply, focusing on his breathing, allowing the tears that were blurring his vision to roll down his face and slowly wet wait his pillow. He feels like each word coming out of Yeonjun’s mouth is like a drop of water, filling in the cup of his empty heart, slowly, carefully, on the verge of overflowing. 

Beomgyu wonders what damage will be first to happen : the glass shattering or the water overflowing ? 

**_Bomu_ ** _ : I thought I was just an annoying kid ? _

**_YJ_ ** _ : You were a cute and annoying kid.  _

Beomgyu also despises the way all the barriers he managed to build in the time he was able to stand on his own two feet in order to protect himself from any kind of unwanted feelings for so long just breaks down in front of his own eyes, opening the gates wide open to a bunch of neglected emotions to get pushed straight onto his heart, like autumn leaves dancing on the ground by a huge wind of curiosity.

He hates how his heart can’t help but love him. 

Beomgyu doesn’t answer. 

**_YJ_ ** _ : say, BG ?  _

**_Bomu_ ** _ : Yeah ?  _

**_YJ_ ** _ : were you passionate about me too ?  _

And just like that, Yeonjun just dropped the drop of water that made the cup overflow. The last and unwanted one. Beomgyu’s insides were shaking, his body shivering in anxiety and something foreing, mixed between excitement and despair, between the craving of so many unsaid words and the will of burying this subject at the deepest part of his soul, never wanting to talk about it. 

**_Bomu_ ** _ : you were my favorite subject.  _

Beomgyu feels like there’s a pause in the universe; a failure in the solar system, as his heart is not pounding anymore, his phone not buzzing anymore. The silence is too loud, the night is too dark. 

His honesty and his hunger for finally getting over him taking the lead after so many months. 

Minutes that feel like ages pass, Beomgyu not daring to make a single move on his bed, his fear of the dark eating him up as he just loses control over his feelings again. And when he feels like he’s about to explode out from the stress, he decides to take the lead and ask the question he’d always been desperate to ask, taking advantage of the madness of his heart to muster the courage to press the send button. 

**_Bomu_ ** _ : why didn’t you find it fascinating at that time ?  _

**_YJ_ ** _ : I did.  _

**_Bomu_ ** _ : what do you mean ? then why did you run away ?  _

**_YJ_ ** _ : it was so fascinating that I ended up completely terrorized.  _

Bomu : so you ran away ? 

YJ : I’m sorry. 

Beomgyu hates the night. He hates how the darkness of the night makes all of his weaknesses glow in the dark like the only repair you can hold onto when you’re lost in the torrential rain of the torrential rain of feelings inside of your soul, like a lifering in the mad ocean. He hates the night even more as he sobs loudly while gripping his bed sheets, his heart agonizing inside his chest. 

He always waited for this, practicing his speech like a song he knew by heart inside his mind during the nights he couldn’t fall asleep, trying his best to choose the perfect words to add in the perfect sentences to describe as best as possible how he felt. Beomgyu always looks for perfection, from the way he puts on a mask during the day to the way he will rewrite a letter in its entirety if he makes an erasure on the paper. And yet, now that he finds himself having the conversation of his lifetime, his mind goes blank. 

The only thing he can think of, and the easiest, most genuine one is to apologize. 

**_Bomu_ ** _ : I’m sorry for falling in love with you.  _

**_YJ_ ** _ : please don’t say that.  _

**_Bomu_ ** _ : I mean it.  _

**_YJ_ ** _ : It would probably be different today.  _

**_Bomu_ ** _ : please don’t say that.  _

**_YJ_ ** _ : I mean it.  _

**_YJ_ ** _ : Say, would you still fall in love with me today ?  _

Beomgyu hates the night. He hates how it represents an in between two sunrises and a sunsets, a mystical moment that can change someone’s tomorrow only by pausing the world and turning the light to dark, adjusting someone’s vision of the world during this short amount of time they allowed themselves to put their guard down. 

He hates how from one day to another, the night changes into something new and unknown, foreing and unpredictable. But mostly, Beomgyu hates how the darkness of the night makes its way through the lock on his heart, sneaking inside the cracks until it breaks the keyhole in thousands of pieces. 

Beomgyu fears the night because he knows that when he’ll open his eyes, he’ll be someone different. 

Yet tonight, maybe, he isn’t so afraid anymore. Maybe, tomorrow, he’ll be someone new. Because maybe, the night allows him to start anew all over again for the day to come. 

And maybe this time, he’s ready to start a new day with the only person owning the key to his lock. 

**_Bomu_ ** _ : You’d still be my favorite subject.  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hi !! Thank you for staying until the end and for reading this ! I hope you enjoyed, it was really therapeutic for me to write this actually, so thank you !
> 
> lots of kithes, stay safe everyone <3 
> 
> Clem.


End file.
